i cannot get anything done right now. i have not been able to get anything done for days. I think it is K's fault. Because of thinking of her and time I would like to be spending with her, all other time has become extremely dreary. I don't know what to do with it, I only see it as time not spent with her and so I don't respect it or look forward to it enough to make any damned use of it. It's just time to pass. Loving someone's company, really living for it, divides life into the happy times and the unbearably useless ones. Having something to look forward to doesn't enliven you, it just makes you hate the vast, tumbleweeded expanse between you and the golden horizon. I don't farm that expanse and so it lies hard and fallow; I play a lot of online chess and mope.
At least the dinner I cooked was a triumph -- I must remember in the future to really let onions cook, cook to the point of negligent cruelty, because I always figure they must be done and they never are. They cling to their crunch desperately and one has to be merciless. Also, ricotta was a pretty good idea. I really have to drag these words out of me, my palms rest so heavily on this computer.
I should read something.
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