can't sleep

i can't sleep a goddamn wink though i'm exhausted. i'm paying for that idiotic fantasy of insomnia. i was convinced that my immediately falling asleep was a sign of my simpleness. i longed to have a troubled soul, to be wracked by obscure hopes and fears and i was convinced that if i lay awake at night that'd be a sure sign of my profundity and complicatedness. I LONGED to be complicated. anyway, i've got the symptoms now but all i feel is bored to anger of myself and my thoughts because all i'm thinking about is what a useless lout i am to be awake for no goddamn reason.

i did some sit ups for the first time in like 4 years because why not punish myself for my wakefulness with exercise. nothing doing, except some shame at how hard they were. sit ups are the most inelegant thing to struggle to do, all form collapses as your limbs splay out in all directions, a paroxysm of pathetic effort to get your goddamn torso up into the air, body shuddering like an old car.

this is fucking dumb as hell.

also, i watched lars von trier's the idiots earlier and that was fucking exquisitely depressing, that man is so full of evil thoughts. he painstakingly constructs evil that doesn't exist just to remind you that if it did exist it sure would be evil. initially it says interesting things indicting the quietism and general bogus-ness of separatism and establishing little utopian spaces and hating the bourgeoisie. but it soon descended into an intimate exploration of a very particular hell of von trier's mind and really nowhere else. he made an excellent point and then beat the dead horse of my misery.

i congratulate him for his daringly clunky film making, leaving the boom in shots, cutting it subversively atrociously, etc. and for daring to include all that nudity and even sex. well done, i suppose.

one final note: what the fuck was with the music from la strada? what was he trying to say invoking that? conflating the idiots with a modernized gelsomina? i don't know what he was trying to get at there, is karen supposed to be a kind of gelsomina? anyway, that really pissed on my soul.


fucking hell.