want this to be over

it's raining out and the library is almost empty. i haven't been doing very well in school and, especially amidst all these people writing honors theses, i find this rather stressful. i mean it isn't that big a deal in part because i don't like what i'm doing, i don't like school anymore, and this isn't some kind of pathetic-recluse-failure thing, i'd rather be doing other things. writing things like that thing on miami, etc, which rpesents a whole new frontier for sadness and failure, but you never know. but anyway, this has required the difficult rejiggering of the things on which i base my sense of self. if i continue to see me as my gpa, etc, esp in contrast to the gpas of the marvelously successful people around me, it's all rather ugly and sad. and so i'm blustering through a disavowal of this whole school thing, of declaring myself misunderstood and underappreciated by the system, all kinds of the hazy angriness (blog thing is underlining this word as not being a word, is angriness not a word? i fucking hate when it underlines things, it distracts me enormously, when i write papers on people with funny names i spend an enormous amount of time adding them to word's dictionary which i suppose now has a fairly respectable catalogue of classical names like "alcmaeonidae" and "alcibiades." never stop learning, computer programs) i've associated with silly, rebellious teenagers with masturbation-fried dreams of piers and freedom.

anyway, stupid british lit profs and avant garde japanese cinema no longer have any sovereignty over me, i'm out of that stuffy backward land and into the bright future of rambling, self satisfied literary non fiction. that's what i'll do, i'll be. oh what an excellent man i am!

this felt nice.